“Love Shack” The B-52s
Here’s a romantic take on a 300-square-foot, $2 million startup studio in Somerville. (Fred Schneider mentions a Chrysler that “sleeps about 20 people,” which also seems like a viable shelter option in today’s market.)
“Small city” John Mellencamp
Millennials, howl that every time you realize you’re overpriced from the suburbs you grew up in.
“Our house” Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
Graham Nash’s 1970 anthem at the simple Laurel Canyon bungalow he shared with Joni Mitchell, describes a roaring fire, cats roaming the yard, and flowers. The current average home price in Laurel Canyon is now $2.6 million.
“Back home” Simon & Garfunkel
Paul Simon and Art Garfunkle paint the melancholy picture of an uprooted troubadour, lonely in a train station, longing for the comfort of his home. They sing:
“But all my words come back to me
In shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony
I need someone to comfort me.
Substitute “dusty shades of mauve” and “empty in my bank account,” and the tune captures your typical open house.
“Burn down the house” The talking heads
Sounds tempting, doesn’t it?
“Money for Nothing” Dire Straits
Mark Knopfler wrote this after overhearing a conversation between delivery people complaining about their jobs, but he really could have written it about a 23-year-old who magically produces an $800,000 cash deposit, thus outbidding 20 other buyers who have been saving for a decade.
“Step Up” Curtis Mayfield
Not possible in this market.
“Stuck With You” Huey Lewis and the News
Huey Lewis wanted it to be a love song:
“We are bound by everything else
Like the same phone number
All the same friends
And the same address”
Croon this to your disgruntled longtime roommate after another failed attempt to move out.
“I still haven’t found what I was looking for” U2
The house hunter’s lament.
“I will never abandon you” Rick Asley
The anthem of all homeowners who bought in suburban Boston before 2006.
“House of the Rising Sun” Animals
This rumbling ode to a New Orleans brothel could also help sell an east-facing New England abode with dramatic floor-to-ceiling windows and captivating sunrises. The only torture will be the mortgage.
“The Tide is High” blonde
Who cares about the flood zone and the lack of drainage in the basement?
“Take the Long Way Home” super tramp
Once you realize you’ll never find a home in Greater Boston, resign yourself to spending the majority of your waking hours sitting in traffic.
“(I) searched so long” Chicago
You will find the house of your dreams…eventually.
“Take the Money and Run” Steve Miller Band
This one’s for the sellers: Hope your potential buyer discovers mold in the attic, knob-and-tube wiring in the kitchen, and the assortment of mysterious bones in the ceiling.
“Black Water” The Doobie Brothers
Remember to test a home’s plumbing before bidding.
“Please Come to Boston” Dave Connections
If you can afford it.
“You Can’t Touch This” MC Hammer
Best to be realistic.
“I go to the extreme” Billy Joel
Lament it before you sign your mortgage.
“Wild Wild West” The escape club
Worcester looks awfully attractive.
“The Old Apartment” naked ladies
“Why did you paint the walls?
Why did you mop the floor?
Why did you plaster
The hole I made in the door?
This is where we used to live!”
Answer: We painted the walls because they were lilac purple; we cleaned the floor because it was a health hazard; and we covered the hole you drilled in the door because New England winters are cold. Likewise, we always overpaid your dump by $150,000, so stop asking stupid questions.
“Welcome to the Jungle” Guns N’ Roses
Smell this every time you visit a house with creepy flower wallpaper.
“Dancing on the Roof” Lionel Richie
And you could, judging by the amount of glue holding those beams together.
“Against All Odds (Look at Me Now)” Phil Collins
Congratulations: you found a four-bedroom Colonial less than 15 miles from Boston for less than seven figures — and you didn’t even have to give up the inspection!
“Dirty laundry” Don Henley
Do you really expect a working washing machine these days?
“Do not stand So Close to Me” The police
Which is impossible when the kitchen is the size of chewing gum.
“Another Brick in the Wall” pink floyd
A crumbling foundation is just embarrassing at this point.
“Dust in the Wind” Kansas
Ah, the pleasant feeling of visiting a house that hasn’t been updated, redecorated or cleaned since Nixon’s resignation.
“Handyman” James Taylor
Surely you can fix the faulty wiring yourself. (Don’t!)
“Good Vibes” beach boys
When the coating is damaged by picks.
“Life on Mars?” david bowie
Prices could be better there.
“Stepmother” Ernie K. Doe
Your future roommate if you don’t make an offer quickly.
“Our house” Madness
“Our house in the middle of our street”… You will pass over all sorts of faults, even a freeway crossing your living room or absolutely no lawn, to find a home in this market.
“It’s not too proud to beg” temptations
Because there’s no shame in a sentimental, overworked offer letter.
“Money (That’s What I Want)” Barrett strong
Enough said.
Kara Baskin can be reached at [email protected] Follow her on Twitter @kcbaskin.
